Writing A Letter To An Ex

Go Ahead, Send That Letter to Your Ex

It can help you both grow — if you do it the right way.

You've just been dumped. Your first reaction is likely to be shock (if not relief), then maybe some crying, followed by a little bit of anger. You might experience denial, and ask your former partner to reconsider, but once they put their foot down and tell you it's no good, it's really over, you can finally move on to acceptance — at your own speed.

If you're the type who moves on and never looks back, you'll put the relationship behind you fairly quickly. If you're the type who mulls over everything, then of course you'll mull over this one, too.

And that's when you write that letter to your ex. The one in which you apologize for some of your mistakes, justify a handful of others, and blame them for whatever it is you think they are to blame. The one in which you finally express your feelings in a clear manner, since you never seem to think straight in the heat of the moment.

Maybe you ask to get back together, maybe you don't.

Maybe the sheer act of writing it makes you realize why you two would never have made it in the first place.

It's the kind of letter you bury in a drawer, never to see the light of day again, or burn in the fireplace to make sure you're never tempted to send.

But maybe, just maybe, you send it. And to your surprise, you get a thoughtful response, which leads you to learn a lot about who you are and how you relate.

It gives you perspective, and a sense of closure. It helps you move on with the reassurance that nothing was left unsaid. More than a letter about hurt feelings and lost opportunities, it becomes an exercise in self-awarness.

And it makes you stronger.

Exchanging post-breakup letters can help you grow

I have recently been through that experience, and it changed not only how I see breakups, but how I see relationships as a whole.

My letter writing experience started with me realizing I had left too much unsaid at the time of the breakup. I tend to freeze when I have talk about my feelings face-to-face, so it's no surprise I express myself better in writing.

There were way too many feelings I had kept to myself for longer than I should, so I put them on paper.

My ex was not only open to hearing from me again after a few months, but he also replied in kind. He journals a lot, so expressing his feelings in writing is already a habit of his — although not usually with the intention of sharing.

We learned so much from each other. To me, the biggest lesson was in understanding how we came across to each other, how our best intentions were often misinterpreted, and how what we each perceived as caring gestures translated into either nagging or micromanaging.

After we exchanged a couple of letters back and forth, we parted ways with a better understanding of what went wrong in the relationship, how we each tend to relate to people, and how we can both do better next time — though not with each other.

The process might sound easy when explained in a few short paragraphs, but the emotional work is tough, and it will take a toll on you if you're not careful. Having been through it, though, I strongly recommend it as a post-breakup exercise in self-reflection, as long as you're mindful as to how you go about it.

Take advantage of hindsight

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It's exactly what makes each of our experiences worthwhile: to be able to look back at them and gather the lessons they offer. If you can discuss those lessons with someone who's also been there with you, their added perspective will make you see things you might have missed by yourself.

When we fail at a job interview, we like to receive feedback on where we went wrong. When we perform poorly on a test, we like to hear from the professor as to why we did so bad. Why is it that when it comes to relationships, after a breakup, all we want is to keep going as if nothing happened, and never look back?

Taking advantage of hindsight doesn't mean to forever lament your mistakes, or to ask for a do-over. It just means you look back at the situation with the fresh eyes of someone who's taken some distance, and wants to learn how they can do better next time.

Avoid the over-analyzing trap

One letter entices a response, which generates another set of thoughts that end up on yet another letter, and so on. Exchanging letters back and forth can easily become an ongoing conversation, and once you start talking about your feelings and analyzing the relationship, you might find there's no limit to how much you can pick it apart.

Eventually, you have to call it off. The point is to exchange valuable lessons on your relationship, not to over-analyze ad aeternum.

It's definitely not for everyone

Exchanging letters about a relationship that's been over for a while is not everybody's cup of tea. It worked really well in my case, but I know I couldn't have tried it with just any of my exes.

Exchanging letters works well for people who express themselves better in writing, who enjoy self-reflection and are interested in self-development.

Don't send the letter

If the break up is still fresh

Giving yourself time to process what happened is essential. How much time you need depends on you, but sending the avalanche of thoughts you've just typed the very night of the breakup might not be the best strategy.

When the breakup is still fresh, you're more likely to go to extremes, either blaming your ex for everything that went wrong, or assuming all the blame yourself. Take some time to cool off and gain some perspective before you decide to take this journey.

If your only goal is to get back together

Wanting to get back together is not a crime. If that's what you want, however, state it clearly from the beginning. Spare your ex having to read pages of your deepest feelings when they already know they're not going to change their mind.

The point of the exercise should not be to change anyone's mind about anything, but to learn new things about yourself and each other without the pressure of having to reevaluate your relationship status.

You're not a couple anymore, period. That should be both your starting point and your end point going into this journey. The goal should be to understand the relationship you had together and, from that understanding, obtain a deeper insight into who you are as a person. If that journey leads you two back together, that's fine, but having it as your only goal from the beginning will raise the stakes and jeopardize the exercise.

If you're mostly raging at them for leaving you

If you take a look into your feelings and realize there's nothing but anger, stop right there. The letter you write in anger and pain is definitely the letter you should burn in the fireplace.

If you're going to send a letter to your ex, make sure they're getting more than a hate note. You broke up, they already know they've angered you in some way, whether it was by dumping you, or by making you want to dump them. There's no need to rub their nose in how mad you are.

Let the anger subside before you do anything else.

If you didn't write a single "I" sentence

When discussing a relationship, "you" sentences are largely counterproductive. They read as accusations, and quickly turn your reader against you.

"You never did X, Y or Z for me."

"You made me feel like you didn't care."

"You never helped me with X, even though I asked you to."

If that's how your letter reads from top to bottom, don't send it. If the idea is to express feelings you were unable to express earlier, for whatever reason, then your letter should read more like:

"Whenever X happened, it made me feel insecure."

"I didn't realize you doing Y meant you were trying to protect me, it felt more like you didn't care."

"I saw you doing Z as meaning you didn't really love me, is that what you meant?"

And so on.

Of course, a few "you" sentences are bound to slip in there. You are, after all, addressing a relationship with another person, not writing a laundry list of your own faults. Just make sure you're not writing a laundry list of their faults either.

Send the letter

If they tell you it's ok

Before you send anything — or even before you write it — ask your ex if they'd be ok with hearing from you again.

They might be in a completely different mindset already, they might be so over the relationship they don't even care, or they might still need distance and time to heal. You owe it to them to respect their wishes.

Don't insist. If they say no once, take it as a definite no and move on.

Keep in mind: if they agree to read your letter, it does not mean they'll send you a response — you're not entitled to one.

If you can handle the emotional work

Make no mistake, revisiting your feelings for someone and your actions in a past relationship is tough emotional work. For starters, you have to be ready to be completely honest with your ex and with yourself — and be ready to read things you might not like, in case you do get a response.

Not getting a response is not necessarily easier than not getting the response you expected. Not getting a response means that instead of getting the closure you expected, you get to wonder for a few more weeks what are your ex's thoughts on what you wrote. It means you're all alone in your search for closure, again.

Also, be ready for the emotional roller coaster that is wondering if maybe you should get back together now that you understand each other better. Be ready to face the bittersweet knowledge that's knowing you two could perhaps work it out, but will continue on your separate paths regardless.

Learning that not every couple who gets along makes it is a tough lesson, but a valuable one. It dispels the notion that relationships are simple, and it brings you down from a romanticized fantasy of what love should be to a more realistic idea of what it actually is.

As I said, it's tough emotional work.

If you're open to learning difficult truths about yourself

You're unlikely to write a letter not expecting a response, but that response might come filled with things you don't want to hear about you, and how you come across to people.

Every good exercise of self-discovery involves taking a hard look in the mirror — and your ex will definitely hold one to your face with their response. Of course you might not like what you see.

But you won't learn anything unless you look.